Probably quite a lot smarter than you, thank you very much.

9:25pm: Sexual relations, discussed!
Evanesco. I don't want to talk about it.


After much thought and seventeen books I have decided that it would be beneficial for us all to take a Kinsey type test so we know how everyone stands and possibly erase some orientation myths, RONALD. This could solve EVERYTHING.

Question One: how do you feel about male genitals?
Question Two: how do you feel about female genitals?
Question Three: how do you feel about general genitals?
Question Four: how do you feel about Elton John?
Question Five: how do you feel about your feelings?

I will survey your answers and give you a detailed assessment.

Thank you.

2:01pm: HARRY JAMES POTTER,THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I can try to understand long bouts of seclusion in the name of self-righteous anger, but missing your own birthday?! We had a very nice get-together planned, I'll have you know.

Honestly. Some people.

Does anyone have any idea where he is?

12:42am: Well, I must say that this whole business with the Yule Ball is quite ridiculous. We shouldn't have to make romantic overtures to our peers in order to pass a class. Hmph. I suppose I must get a date, because I am certainly not failing a class for such a silly reason. Er. I think.

Harry and Ron, as members of S.P.E.W., I certainly am expecting you to help the house elves and I set up the decorations. If we cannot stop their horrific abuse right now, at the very least we can help to ease their workload for a time. This is not optional. I expect you in the Common Room at 7:00 sharp the night before.

Does anyone know a good place in Hogsmeade to buy a lead pipe? Barring that, some high-quality candlesticks would do. Maybe a rope, if I'm desperate, but that might be a little too clean for what I'm planning, really. She deserves messy, don't you think?

11:35pm: Goldstein
Antonio Mr. Goldstein
Anthony, why did you miss our study date last night? I waited in the library for two hours and you never came.

10:17am: Well, I must say, it was quite the hard choice, but I've decided on my Halloween costume. I'm going to be a Goth!

( I do hope I can make it in time! )

5:55pm:

THERE IS A DEAD HOUSE ELF IN MY BED

6:56pm: I was in the hallway. And I felt someone digging through my bag. I thought Crookshanks might have been in there. I heard footsteps running away.

All my S.P.E.W. badges are gone. They were stolen. By invisible forces.

I was all alone in the hallway.

I have finally snapped.

4:37pm: Why must Ronald have a kink for incest? Why? Why? Can someone just buy him porn and get it over with?

I have had a great deal of time to ponder my escapades during the Weasley party and, after listening to my idol, April Leviosa, for hours on end, I have come to the conclusion that sexual liberation is perfectly normal and healthy. Quite.

I must say, these new striped tights and black nail polish are very fetching.

I have smuggled in several weeks worth of food to Hogwarts this year, as I refuse to eat what the house elves serve. Slavery should not and will not be tolerated! Don't you want to make a difference? I have plenty of spare salmon stashed under my bed and will be willing to share.



Are you so inhuman that you cannot feel pity for such helpless creatures such as Dobby? Dobby, thanks to S.P.E.W., is getting paid and wearing clothes--having rights. With your help, more just like him can live more fulfilling lives.

5:14pm: Seamus, may I borrow your knife.
Why is she here. Why is she here. Why is she here.

I asked her to join S.P.E.W. She asked me what it stood for. She seemed ever so concerned about "the cute little elves" but when I explained they were not very cute she laughed and then ignored me. She ignored me. And then her eyes changed color.

She brought chocolates to share with us. I stole them.

Everyone can see through her fake exterior, anyway. Flaky hussy. Probably has some sort of disease.

3:38pm: what have I done.

2:14am: stuipd men really arsewholes arsehole what..; i be woe-full stupid suuupid menfoldk, idiots the lot of them;;;;; love semicolons vry usefull punctwation thingur

;

see

v drunk had lager with Ginny, lovley actuly; very nice oufit yes

drowning worries in cold drink very lovely will possibly write bad potry next, what

hate stupid girl stupid vapud vapiidddd raonld falling for idiot charm bulshit, obviously shamles hor. stewpid hor hor hor hor hor. clearly corupting ronald's inocence w/ blatint horisms.

made picture of devil, obsurve:



bloody bastard. need more drinks. where is drink. skirt unhappy.

10:06pm: I am squeezed into the hen coop with Ron and Ginny this is our only tie to the outside world so I will have to make this quick without grammatical correctness. It is very hot and er squishy in here and I think Ginny is starting to hyperventilate.

Mr. Weasley has been infected and I fear that I may have subconciously been a carrier via my parents though I do hope that isn't the case. Ron thinks he caught it from wrapping paper or something, I think Ronald has finally cracked. I thought wizards were immune to it because I've only seen it amongst Muggles and I hate to sound like Ernie but we are all quite clearly doomed.

We had to leave Mr. Weasley behind but I think someone's coming to help him, I don't know if there's a cure and there's nothing Mrs. Weasley can do about it

I think we have to go now.If you need to contact us, Harry, I'll be keeping this with me wherever we go. Keep safe please and try to stay away from your cousin lest he squash you, honestly

7:38pm: Oh my goodness.

I just-- sorry. Let me compose myself. It's just terrible, really. This absolute epidemic that's sweeping over the Muggles... I just saw it in action today for the first time. Can't anyone do something? Can't we do something? Why aren't the adults stopping this? The poor, poor children...

Oh god. Oh god.

My parents. It's started. I don't know what to do. I really don't.

9:05pm: I must say, coming home from vacationing in France to a dead elk is not very pleasant. I don't even want to know how the owls carried it, honestly. My father wants to mount it on the wall, can you believe it?

My parents are dentists, so I am not entirely unfamiliar with computers, though I have considered them a waste of valuable study time in the past. I imagine that this will be a wonderful learning experience for us all, even those from muggle families. Don't you agree, Ron, Harry?

The knitting skills I gained from last year's S.P.E.W. experiment have given me a new hobby. I have discovered my mother's old 'Younge Ladies' Guide Two Knittinge' in our basement, and have begun work on a wonderful pink coat for myself. It's rather fetching, if I say so myself, though I've never really enjoyed the colour before. It makes me feel empowered.

Unimpressed, Hogwarts, that I cannot take Arithmancy, Ancient Runes, and Muggle Studies in the coming year. Unimpressed. Perhaps I could request independent night classes, but honestly.

I have a great deal of new ideas for S.P.E.W. this year. I feel that, in past endeavours, I have thought too small. Does anyone know the ingredients for a pipe bomb?